Sad but True

"How soon 'not now' becomes 'never' " - Martin Luther

How sad is it that my motivating factor to come back to write on my blog tonight was to just have another post before the month of June was over. I dislike this forum feeling like an obligation and I try to avoid writing when I feel like I 'have' to write. It's supposed to be a place for me to express my thoughts, organize and analyze them, so I know how I feel and the direction I want to pursue.

It's like other things in my life, the hardest part is the getting started. And then the hardest part becomes finishing... ba-da-bum-bum. And she's funny now.

The month of June has overwhelmed and exhausted me. It started with a rough Memorial Day weekend with new processes at work that we're still trying to iron out, then a whirl-wind girls weekend in quaint Alexandria, VA for an upcoming wedding. Fun and too quick as they always are lead to another long hour week at work and now we're covering for summer vacations... We run a tight schedule and there is little wiggle room so when someone is gone, we're pushing hard to cover everyone's responsibilities and promises to our customers. Plus, we're growing. And growing quickly. A great problem to have. But long and painful when you're in the trenches.

Hence, the lack of posts. Or time for posts. Added in the boy drama already mentioned in my last post, a weeklong nighttime high school drama production at the local theater, and the amount of dog hair I must sleep up in one day... June has FLOWN by! Being busy is good for me, it forces me to act instead of living inside of my head all the time. So here's to living July in action!

I am having to learn patience... I have a long term goal - a big picture, if you will - and I know what I want and how to make it happen. I can see it happening but forcing myself to remain patient and work day after day after day at the same tasks for very little visible progress on a daily basis. Patience is a virture I don't have... And I need to develop. My current career position might finally make it happen for me. And teach me how to manage or handle the ups & downs of our business in a much more reasonable way. Well, here's hoping anyways.

What's Enough?

"If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go." Anonymous

I've had a weekend of thoughts... pondering different possible directions for my life to take. I'm constantly taking stock of my life. Where I am, where I want to be, what my progress is, and how to make my dreams happen - it's a little exhausting. And I know it wears out my friends and family because I tend to think out loud. Alot. It's just who I am.

And when it comes to the boy, I'm the talker in the relationship when it comes to relationship conversations. He's "chatty cathy" until it's a conversation about us when he becomes more tight-lipped than a clam. It's frustrating to say the least. We've had a good spring... we've seen each other consistently and he's been such an anchor for me in terms of emotional support while I ponder the other areas of my life. If you had asked me about him a week ago, I would have said I was incrediably happy with that area of my life.

So when I broached a conversation with him, that's how I started it... "I'm incrediably happy with you, us, our relationship - how do you feel? What do you want?" I ask this because, after two years of being in each other's lives, we have no definitions and no plans. While I don't need or want any movement toward permanacy, I sure would like to know we both want things to continue the way they've been going lately. I find it unbelievably frustrating that's he's not able or not willing to share his feelings or his desire for his/our future... Dreaming is what keeps me going. Goals and desires for the future is how I make things happen. We're such opposite people in this sense - he doesn't do it. Or at least not outloud because I know he makes goals. He shares them after he's achieved them.

I shouldn't have found it suprising that he couldn't or wouldn't engage in a conversation about his feelings. Once again, I open up and he shuts down. During the conversation, he did vocalize "At this point in my life, actions speak louder than words to me" and "I'm not going to say anything now because it would feel forced". And then he shuts down and physically/emotionally pulls away from me.

Which leaves me pondering, why isn't the way he makes me feel enough?

Why do I need the words?

He makes me feel loved, safe and secure, and very happy... I told him those things. And that's when he said, "actions speak louder than words to me". I trust him and I rely heavily on him for so much and he's always on my side while still calling me on my BS. I appreciate his honesty, his perspective, and his desire for me to be happy.

So why do I feel like I'm comprising what I need (and want) everytime I let him out of the conversation?

Yumminess

"There is no love sincerer than the love of food" - George Bernard Shaw

I had forgotten about this pastry shop... I had forgotten about the yumminess that I drooled over one afternoon in Gertrude Stein's neighborhood of Paris. The smells were so inviting outside the door of the shop that I dared not venture in... I would have been more than tempted. I would have been convinced. But I did take some pictures. And this is one of those pastries, a work of art really, much too good looking to eat. But so so so so drool worthy.

Slacker

"The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up." - author unknown

I know, I make promises, I write them down here and then I still fail to follow through. It's not that I'm lying around eating bon-bons and watching daytime television. I'm launching a new part of our business and I'm putting in serious hours (example: yesterday, started at 7:45am and finished at 7:20pm with a 25 minute lunch). And my to do list gets longer and longer. With personal items (including this site) falling farther and farther down the list. I think some of my friends think I've died. I ignore texts and emails or respond at 2am... that's how well the sleep thing is going. So, while my laundry is getting done (at 4am) and my kitchen stays clean, the bags under my eyes are growing.

All excuses, I know. I'm full of them.

But also joy. Even with the pace I've been keeping, my spirits have been lifting. I'm giving myself a daily attitude adjustment and reminding myself that my attitude controls the way my day goes. And it's working. Along with red wine, deep breaths, time outs, and pedicures. But I'm getting there. And that's progress for me.

I returned late Sunday night from a weekend in old town Alexandria (VA) celebrating my favorite red head's upcoming nuptuals. A former roomie, sorority sister, and good friend from college, this redhead will be tying the knot next month in NY... I have a hotel reservation in the town of Fishkill, NY... no joke. She's getting married at a castle and there will be lawn games at this wedding reception. After the shenanigans this past weekend, I can't wait to see this crowd with croquet mallets and bocci balls! As I told the bride, I'm bringing my fancy camera to this wedding! I love the idea of it.

Speaking of cameras, I forgot mine as I was packing for this weekend. If I had known what delays awaited me at the airport, I would have turned around for it but I thought I was cutting it close so I kept going. Two flights cancelled and a third one delayed and delayed and delayed again. I was so late (and exhausted) getting to the hotel, I could barely formulate complete sentences while greeting everyone. But a good night's sleep and refreshing shower turned that around. So no incriminating pictures have been sent my way but let's just say, good times were had in Old Town. And much yumminess was eaten. I had the best crab cake of my life at Harry's Oyster Shack on King Street.

If you follow me on twitter (no? please do) then you read some of the highlights. We ended the night at a tavern with bluegrass music with no dancing signs posted which were quickly ignored. Made some Ozzie friends and drank to good friends, good times and new love. It was exactly what I needed. Maybe now, I'll be able to write about PARIS!

Photos

"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it." -Author Unknown

I'm not a great photographer... I don't have any training... I attempted a class last year and never could make it because of work. So I dropped out. I like taking pictures and I need to spend more time doing it, learning what my camera can do, learning how to get the image I want. But here's some of the ones I managed to take in PARIS!. And a link to more on my flickr page.

One of the many bridges across the Seine with the Effiel Tower in the background:

The Arch de Triumph...

Standing under the Effiel Tower.