What's Enough?

"If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go." Anonymous

I've had a weekend of thoughts... pondering different possible directions for my life to take. I'm constantly taking stock of my life. Where I am, where I want to be, what my progress is, and how to make my dreams happen - it's a little exhausting. And I know it wears out my friends and family because I tend to think out loud. Alot. It's just who I am.

And when it comes to the boy, I'm the talker in the relationship when it comes to relationship conversations. He's "chatty cathy" until it's a conversation about us when he becomes more tight-lipped than a clam. It's frustrating to say the least. We've had a good spring... we've seen each other consistently and he's been such an anchor for me in terms of emotional support while I ponder the other areas of my life. If you had asked me about him a week ago, I would have said I was incrediably happy with that area of my life.

So when I broached a conversation with him, that's how I started it... "I'm incrediably happy with you, us, our relationship - how do you feel? What do you want?" I ask this because, after two years of being in each other's lives, we have no definitions and no plans. While I don't need or want any movement toward permanacy, I sure would like to know we both want things to continue the way they've been going lately. I find it unbelievably frustrating that's he's not able or not willing to share his feelings or his desire for his/our future... Dreaming is what keeps me going. Goals and desires for the future is how I make things happen. We're such opposite people in this sense - he doesn't do it. Or at least not outloud because I know he makes goals. He shares them after he's achieved them.

I shouldn't have found it suprising that he couldn't or wouldn't engage in a conversation about his feelings. Once again, I open up and he shuts down. During the conversation, he did vocalize "At this point in my life, actions speak louder than words to me" and "I'm not going to say anything now because it would feel forced". And then he shuts down and physically/emotionally pulls away from me.

Which leaves me pondering, why isn't the way he makes me feel enough?

Why do I need the words?

He makes me feel loved, safe and secure, and very happy... I told him those things. And that's when he said, "actions speak louder than words to me". I trust him and I rely heavily on him for so much and he's always on my side while still calling me on my BS. I appreciate his honesty, his perspective, and his desire for me to be happy.

So why do I feel like I'm comprising what I need (and want) everytime I let him out of the conversation?

Sharing Ava's Story

"God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them." - Stanley Lindquist

Everyone who reads my blog knows how much I love my nephew, William. I have been overwhelmed and surprised at how easy and complete these feelings are.

I, along with the rest of my family, delight at his ever achievement and exploration. We laugh at his language and enjoy playing with him. He is in love with trains, bulldozers, planes, and trucks. He stops playing when outside and a big truck drives by. If you pull into the driveway, he gets in the car with you and plays with the steering wheel.

So when I read stories like this and I think of how easily it could be him or one of my friends' children and how lucky we've been so far and how lucky we'll be if none of them have to face a child's death. It makes me think. And say a word of thanks.

Spread the word of this story (if you can't read it, click here) and let others learn from her life.

Amazing

"Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though t'were his own." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

My nephew is here again. He's a handful. Nonstop and full of giggles. I take such delight, such joy and feel so much love around him. I was amazed at how much I loved him before he was born, how much I enjoy him and how much more I love him now.*

He's starting to talk and each day we've tried to teach him a new word: "Tree", "Door", "Keys", etc. I'm working on bulldozer right now... he loves trucks, cars, and airplanes so one of his new toys is a bulldozer so I'm trying to teach him to say it as well, it comes out sounding, "ull -oze". We'll keep at it.

He's leaving tomorrow which is no fun but I'll see him in about 6 weeks - it's just enough to note the changes which happen in between the visits. This was the first visit that he recognized me... when he saw me, he ran to me and hugged me. It's a great feeling to have that unconditional and simple love directed at you.

*However, this does NOT mean I won't my own... if anything, it's confirmed that I'm not cut out to be a mom.

C'est la vie

Just to update those who sent me good wishes about last weekend with the DLS.

We talked, we discussed, we defined, we argued semantics - neither of us could change our position so we're friends, we've talked some more this week and while we both think some things are good between us, not everything is. And even me, who loves to beat a dead horse, doesn't want to talk about it anymore. We've had this ongoing conversation about what we were to one another for the past 6 weeks, give or take. And he's tired and I'm tired. So we're friends.

And I actually think we'll be friends. Call me naive but the best thing about our relationship was our friendship and the conversations we had.

(Don't get me wrong, other "stuff" was good too. This was just the best).

I do appreciate the concern that was shown to me and the emails of support, I have some of the best friends in the world. Whenever one of us is down, the rest of us rally around to bolster them and it's because of that that makes it all ok.

But life goes on and I will too.

Letting Go

I did not have a good weekend.

Have you ever had a moment in life that you aren't certain how it happened? You look at the start of the conversation and the end of the conversation and you can't figure out how you got from one end to the other?

That was my weekend with the DLS...
Going into the weekend, I was excited to spend it with him. No big plans, no expectations but he left this morning for a long term project in Maryland so we knew we wouldn't see each other for a while. Therefor, the weekend was supposed to be fun and relaxing. No pressure, no conversations, and no expectations.

Wow, were we waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off.

Major conversations, two ugly fights and I ended up coming home on Saturday night. He texted me last night and we're going to talk some more tonight but I hate to think this might be the last time we're together, that our fun ended so badly and that we weren't able to enjoy being together and saying goodbye gracefully.

Love Quote of the Day

"It's so easy,
To think about Love,
To Talk about Love,
To wish for Love,
But it's not always easy,
To recognize Love,
Even when we hold it.... In our hands."
--Jaka

Love Quote of the Day

"She walks in Beauty,
like the night
Of cloudness climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes..."
--Lord Byron

Love Quote of the Day

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul."

Love Quote of the Day

"A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous."
--Ingrid Bergmen

Seriously?

He called me...
and acted like everything was completely normal.

Seriously?

As though we had never had the hour long conversation, ending the start of a great relationship. As if all was as it had been.

And men say women are hard to understand.

While I've been enjoying my DLS (his term), I'm over games. I don't have the time or the energy. I used to really enjoy the obsessive discussions and squeals of laughter over margaritas with the girls. But now I just want to be able to smile that contented smile, tell them he made me breakfast the last time I was there, and go on about my way.

I'm not looking for a groom. I do want honestly, companionship, comfort, and desire. And if it's hot, well... you won't hear any complaints from me.

I'm not certain how to proceed... Any suggestions?


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
- Sharon Stone

Save the Drama..

For your mama!

Glad I didn't bother to change my relationship status on my facebook page because I'd now have a broken heart. In less than five days, my DLS managed to tell me his plan for our future, give me a key to his apartment, and then tell me he didn't have the time it takes to devote to a relationship.

Contradict yourself much?

I'd say so...

OH! And he did it over the phone. Because in case you didn't know, "how do you say this to someone face to face?"

ARGH@!&!#@@!*$!@#

I mean, seriously. Actually, out of all the above, I understand the phone thing the most. He's been traveling (alot) for work and we don't live that close to one another. I guess he was thinking about the price of gas.

But the rest of it makes no sense... especially the key part. Totally his idea and he doesn't want it back... "Just throw it out"

I've been dealing with this news for 48 hours. I'm not totally rocked but I definitely am not enjoying the experience. It hurts when someone decides you aren't worth their time. Endings just aren't fun. What is funny is that the whole time we were talking, I kept hearing Miranda from SATC telling those girsl on the steps: "he's just not that into you".

Oh, and the other good part, he doesn't want to see me but he does want to keep talking t0 me. WHAT!?!?

I'm batting zero folks, maybe 2008 just isn't my year. Next season?

Twitterpated

Definition of twitterpated :.
(twĭt'ər-pāt'ĕd)
1)to be completely enamored with someone/something.
2) the flighty exciting feeling you get when you think about/see the object of your affection.
3) romantically excited (i.e.: aroused)
4) the ever increasing acceleration of heartbeat and body temperature as a result of being engulfed amidst the exhilaration and joy of being/having a romantic entity in someone's life.

And I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO twitterpated.

With the completely WRONG guy.

That's harsh to say but he is.

So wrong for me. He's what your mother would refer to as being from the "wrong side of the tracks" when she was in high school...

We always refer to people as being "good on paper" meaning they have all the requirements that you want in a significant other yet you aren't attracted to them. And with him, nothing seems right.

And yet, I've been counting down the minutes until I get to go hang out with him tonight.

It's still really early (we've only known each other for 4 weeks) but I really like this guy.

What does concern me is that at lunch the other day, he said: "you really are slumming with me, aren't you?"
I had no idea what he meant or what to say to him ...

I had heard the term 'slumming' before but it's not in my mental mindset to think I'm better or above someone else.

I looked it up too, according to Wikipedia:

Slumming (derived from slum) originally referred to a practice, fashionable among certain segments of the middle class in many Western countries, whereby one deliberately patronizes areas or establishments which are populated by, or intended for, people well below one's own socio-economic level, motivated by curiosity or a desire for adventure. Most often these establishments take the form of bars or restaurants in low-income areas.

In Good Will Hunting, for example, the main character uses "slumming" to describe sexual relationships between rich, well-educated girls and poorer boys, whom they might encounter around their universities.

He's a gentle guy who treats me with respect. I enjoy talking to him (and we do, for hours). He listens to me - he remembers what I've said, asks me questions about what's going on in my life and brings up past conversations. He enjoys traveling and he's a very motivated person who works hard to do a good job. He's always concerned about doing the 'right' thing. He makes me laugh and seems to enjoy me for who I am. I'm so comfortable around him. And he's really cute when he smiles at me.

Isn't that what you want in a significan other? Someone who makes you feel better just by being around them? Someone who likes you for you?

Oh Wow

I was asking for it.

Just looking at my most recent posts. I was looking for something to happen in my life. A little bit of drama with a side of tears.

Well, I got it.

A big swift kick in the pants along with a large dose of heartbreak.



A reality check if you will.

While my pride keeps me from posting the details of my situation, just know that my heart is broken. A dream that should never have been formed has been lost. A dream world that I allowed myself to indulge in is gone for good.

It's one of those things that is for the best... it had gone on for far too long. Yet, it hurts worse than anything I've ever been through. When you open yourself to possibilities and the 'what if', you also expose yourself to the failure and heartbreak of the never going to happen.

And it sucks.

the perfect girlfriend

I love this! I am printing it out and saving it and using it!!! I'm a girl and I find this great. If relationships were ONLY this clear!!!

I wish I could take credit but obviously I'm not this talented. This writer is Jon Wilde, he works for some publication called Maxim, you might have heard of it...

I, [print your name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Lady”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with [print guy’s name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Man”).

By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.

Clause 1: Dates
A. The Lady will eat more than a side salad.

B. The Man will not be expected to plan every date. He will be chivalrous, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship.

C. If The Lady would like to attend an event that she knows The Man will despise, she is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should she deem a night at the ballet, opera, or foreign movie house to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, she should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening herself.

By accepting this Lady-partisan date, The Man will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of his choice—including, but not limited to: Attending an athletic event, watching a martial-arts movie, or going out for a large BBQ dinner.

Clause 2: Dialogue
A. The Lady will never discuss an ex-boyfriend.
Rule 2-A above may be broken if The Lady mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-boyfriend, while also discussing ways in which The Man betters said ex.

B. If The Lady wants something or wants to know something, she will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games.

C. Any cute nicknames that The Lady has devised for The Man will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.

Furthermore, The Lady may not devise any nickname that includes a diminutive or that is spoken in baby-voice (e.g., “Little John” or “Snuggle Bear”).

Clause 3: The Bedroom

A. During moments of physicality, The Lady will voice her wishes so that The Man knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This is expected not only for her sake, but for his. The Man is a prideful being. He wants to know he can do everything right.

B. The Man reserves the right to his favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. He may permit The Lady to rest on his chosen side if he wishes, but should he find himself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it is his right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The Lady.

Clause 4: Family

A. The Lady will not ask The Man to meet her family until at least one month of dating has been completed.

B. Upon meeting The Man’s mother, The Lady will try to learn as many of Mother Man’s recipes as possible. And yes, The Man likes his chicken that dry.

Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities

A. The Man will be guaranteed at least one Guys’ Night per week, chosen at his discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Guys’ Nights per month in case of an important sporting event or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.

B. The Lady can never be angry with a man for attending Guys’ Night.

C. The Lady will not call The Man more than once per Guys’ Night.

D. The Lady is encouraged to go out with her own friends as a means for keeping her independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:
1. She will not ask The Man to attend any event on the day of a televised athletic match, any event that involves the phrase “pot luck,” or any event that celebrates the birth of a child, impending or otherwise.
2. She will not expect The Man to attend a gathering solely because the boyfriend/husband of The Lady’s Friend will also be in attendance. Misery does not make good company.
3. No. Ex-Boyfriends. Ever.

Clause 6: Love
A. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The Man understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The Lady in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.

1. The Lady will be the first party to speak the phrase. She will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The Man knows it is he who is being spoken to.
2. The Lady will allow the man at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean he doesn’t feel the same way, only that he is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
3. After the first time the Man arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, he will not be required to do so in response every time The Lady speaks the phrase. The Lady will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a high-five in return.
4. The Lady will never speak the three-worded phrase when The Man is in the presence of either friends or co-workers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should he be forced to reciprocate while with said company.

By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Man a truly happy person for the rest of his life, or until you realize that he is a loser who requires his girlfriends to sign legally binding documents.
______________________________Print your name ______________________________Signature ______________________________Date