Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I wish I could take credit but obviously I'm not this talented. This writer is Jon Wilde, he works for some publication called Maxim, you might have heard of it...
I, [print your name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Lady”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with [print guy’s name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Man”).
By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.
Clause 1: Dates
A. The Lady will eat more than a side salad.
B. The Man will not be expected to plan every date. He will be chivalrous, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship.
C. If The Lady would like to attend an event that she knows The Man will despise, she is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should she deem a night at the ballet, opera, or foreign movie house to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, she should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening herself.
By accepting this Lady-partisan date, The Man will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of his choice—including, but not limited to: Attending an athletic event, watching a martial-arts movie, or going out for a large BBQ dinner.
Clause 2: Dialogue
A. The Lady will never discuss an ex-boyfriend.
Rule 2-A above may be broken if The Lady mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-boyfriend, while also discussing ways in which The Man betters said ex.
B. If The Lady wants something or wants to know something, she will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games.
C. Any cute nicknames that The Lady has devised for The Man will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.
Furthermore, The Lady may not devise any nickname that includes a diminutive or that is spoken in baby-voice (e.g., “Little John” or “Snuggle Bear”).
Clause 3: The Bedroom
A. During moments of physicality, The Lady will voice her wishes so that The Man knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This is expected not only for her sake, but for his. The Man is a prideful being. He wants to know he can do everything right.
B. The Man reserves the right to his favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. He may permit The Lady to rest on his chosen side if he wishes, but should he find himself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it is his right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The Lady.
Clause 4: Family
A. The Lady will not ask The Man to meet her family until at least one month of dating has been completed.
B. Upon meeting The Man’s mother, The Lady will try to learn as many of Mother Man’s recipes as possible. And yes, The Man likes his chicken that dry.
Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities
A. The Man will be guaranteed at least one Guys’ Night per week, chosen at his discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Guys’ Nights per month in case of an important sporting event or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.
B. The Lady can never be angry with a man for attending Guys’ Night.
C. The Lady will not call The Man more than once per Guys’ Night.
D. The Lady is encouraged to go out with her own friends as a means for keeping her independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:
1. She will not ask The Man to attend any event on the day of a televised athletic match, any event that involves the phrase “pot luck,” or any event that celebrates the birth of a child, impending or otherwise.
2. She will not expect The Man to attend a gathering solely because the boyfriend/husband of The Lady’s Friend will also be in attendance. Misery does not make good company.
3. No. Ex-Boyfriends. Ever.
Clause 6: Love
A. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The Man understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The Lady in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.
1. The Lady will be the first party to speak the phrase. She will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The Man knows it is he who is being spoken to.
2. The Lady will allow the man at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean he doesn’t feel the same way, only that he is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
3. After the first time the Man arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, he will not be required to do so in response every time The Lady speaks the phrase. The Lady will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a high-five in return.
4. The Lady will never speak the three-worded phrase when The Man is in the presence of either friends or co-workers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should he be forced to reciprocate while with said company.
By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Man a truly happy person for the rest of his life, or until you realize that he is a loser who requires his girlfriends to sign legally binding documents.
______________________________Print your name ______________________________Signature ______________________________Date
I have thoroughly enjoyed my nephew and I can't wait to see him next week. Yes, there will be pictures. I think they'll get here on Monday or Tuesday so I'll have some up before I leave for the coast.
Marianne is expecting a girl and I'm so excited for bows and braids, frilly dresses and little pink onesies! And of course, the right to corrupt the little tyke later with beaus and boas!
Here's a little poem I found to celebrate the life that's growing...
Ten fingers, Ten toes
She's laughter and teardrops
So small and brand new
And amazingly angelic
She's sent to bless you
She's one special Baby
The best of life's treasure
And will grant and bless you
Many hours of great pleasure.
- Author Unknown
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Well, that's it folks, the top 3 of totally random places that I will visit as soon as my life takes me near them.
Other weird/unique places that I have already been:
1. The Jelly Belly Factory
2. The original L.L. Bean store
3. The Okeefeenokee Swamp
4. Ben'n'Jerrys factory (on the ONLY day of the year they were NOT making ice cream!)
5. The Haunted Smith & Wesson Mansion
I actually highly recommend all the above... it's the random places like this that make our country interesting and what keeps me hitting the road time after time.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Ballade of the Bookworm
Far in the Past I peer, and see
A Child upon the Nursery floor,
A Child with books upon his knee,
Who asks, like Oliver, for more!
The number of his years is IV,
And yet in Letters hath he skill,
How deep he dives in Fairy-lore!
The Books I loved,
I love them still!
One gift the Fairies gave me:
(Three They commonly
Bestowed of yore)
The Love of Books, the Golden Key
That opens the Enchanted Door;
Behind it BLUEBEARD lurks,
And o'er and o'er
Doth JACK his Giants kill,
And there is all ALADDIN'S store,
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
But I refuse to apologize for it.
Plus everyonce in a while I redeem myself. I'll have a random Tom Waits or Ani DiFranco song playing and surprise my friends who think I have no taste.
Variety is the spice of life.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
I like working, I don't mind working hard - I enjoy physical work as well. There is a certain satisfaction you get from working toward a goal when you achieve it. I enjoy that feeling.
I dislike busy work or repitition or tedious detail. However, a lot of our business deals with goverment contractors and private insurances... two of the world's worst paper-pushers. And, unfortunately, there are days in which I allow myself to get caught up in the cycle of paperwork instead of remaining focused on the bigger picture.
Even this post is being affected by my gloomy Monday mood... all I can think of is all the work I still don't have done... ugh. arg. yuck.
Friday, April 4, 2008
I stole this off this blog, http://poem-of-the-week.blogspot.com/
I'm a total mooch... I'll be the first to admit that... I'm a generous person and have no problem sharing my food, toys, clothes, make-up, etc. (I do draw the line at my toothbrush) so if you have something on the internet that I want to use, I'll steal it in a heartbeat. Like I said, no reason to reinvent the wheel.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
But I did get one of those tell me about yourself emails so I decided to post my answers here as well as in my return email....
Hope you enjoy it!
4 Things About Me:
4 jobs I have had in my life:
1. Camp Counselor
2. Ski School Agent
4. Sales Representative
4 movies I've watched more than once:
1. Indian Summer
2. Almost Famous
3. Aspen Extreme
4 places I have lived in my life:
1. Monroe, GA
2. Nashville, TN
3. Salt Lake City, UT
4. Chicago, IL
4 TV Shows I watch:
1. Criminal Minds
2. Mad Money
3. Road Rules/Real World Challenges (I know but it's an addiction)
4. Grey's Anatomy
4 places I have been:
1. Virgin Islands
2. New Zealand
4. Puerto Rico
People who e-mail me regularly:
1. My Vandy 8
2. My sister, Leah
4. My friend, Marianne
4 of my favorite foods:
2. Birthday Cake
3. Fresh Seafood
4. French Fries
4 places I would rather be:
1. On a warm sunny beach
2. In bed
3. In my own home
4. France (with a certain Wineboy)
4 things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Buying my first home
2. Moving the into the new store
3. Starting Grad School
4. Creating a new life for myself
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I believe in being selfish every once in a while.
I believe in the simple pleasure of a PB&J.
I believe there are people who you love and there are people who love you but sometimes, they aren't the same people.
I believe a rainy afternoon on the couch with a good book is the perfect way to spend the day.
I believe a long soak in a hot bath can cure almost anything.
I believe in laughing until I cry. And crying until I laugh.
I believe there is nothing more fun than making out with some one for hours.
I believe in being a good citizen, whether you're an individual or a corporation.
I believe dancing with your friends is the most fun you can have.
I believe there is a little bit of good in every bad person and a little bit of evil in every good person.
I believe we're all too hard upon ourselves.
I believe that a good friend, a bottle of wine and the ability to say whatever comes to mind is what cures a broken heart.
I believe I shouldn't be held responsible for anything I did or said over five years ago.
I believe in working hard and playing harder.
I believe there is something or someone out there looking out for all of us.