And Then...

"A man who dares waste one hour of time has not discovered life." - Charles Darwin

For the past couple of years, I've been searching for something... something to motivate me, something to give me purpose, something to make me feel complete. I couldn't quite put my finger on what I wanted and I couldn't quite define what I needed. I moved states and then moved back home again... I quit jobs, applied to schools and researched multiple options but nothing seemed quite right and everything seemed forced.

But this feeling, this need seemed to constantly grow and feed off of my unhappiness which only seemed to make me more unhappy and angry about everything in my life. I've tried different things - exercise programs, joining community groups, buying a house, adopting a dog, and planning trips. But nothing seemed to be right - nothing seemed to work.

For as long as I can remember, I was basically told what I should I do... My life was very planned out: do well in school, go to good college and get a good job. No one every really offered any other options... No one every really told me how to choose a good job and how to make it fit me. I don't think I'm the only one who has this problem... Most of my friends have changed jobs by now, especially sine we hit the 30 age range.

And I've allowed myself to drown in this confusion. Until recently. Until I determined I had the ability and the control to make myself happy. This seems so obvious but recognizing I have the control and taking control are two totally different things. And it seems that's what I've done. I've taken control of my thoughts, my actions and my emotions. Instead of letting them rule me, I'm deciding how to feel and what to do. Now, I seem to be back to my old self, laughing more, wanting more, dreaming more and making more happen.

Without doing a thing other than realizing I control my future. It's a great thing to know.

Although, I do have to give a little credit to the words Camryn Manheim wrote herself:

The thing is, Camryn, life isn't a dress rehearsal. We don't get any do-overs. You've got to mkae the days count - all of them.
So go kick some ass. Don't take no for an answer. Work hard, play hard, fight hard, and love hard. Break some rules and raise a little hell. And as the end of every day, ask yourself if you have any regrets. I guarantee you, you will rarely regret the things you did do, and mostly regret the things you didn't do. So do it. Do it all. Learn French.* Get a piano. Write your one-person show. Fall in love more often. Love the journey, not just the result.

*Notice the french lessons... It's definitely a reoccuring theme in my life lately.

300th Post

"Babies are my inspiration and my joy. In them, I see innocence and the precious possibilities of each life unfolding." - Anne Geddes

Side note: WOW... can you believe it's my 300th post? I haven't been keeping track and as I hit the button for a 'new post', I saw that I had published 299 posts. Hence, my next one would be number 300. Amazing since this isn't my main focus or job. I definitely go through stages with time, interest and having something to say. Right now, I'm fired up about my trip to PARIS! so I'm babbling about that and the sites I want to see and the food and wine I can't wait to try.

But today's post is different. Today, I finally watched the movie "Precious" (based on the book "Push") and made famous by the combined talent and efforts of Monique, Oprah, Tyler Perry, Lenny Kravitz, Mariah Carey, Lee Daniels, Paula Patton and introducing Gabourey Sidbie. The book had touched me but since I don't see that lifestyle everyday and haven't visited many places where those standards, behaviors, and actions are commonplace, I had a hard time picturing happening as I read the book. But watching the movie made it real. If I had seen it in the theater, the scenes and the sounds would have been overwhelming. Such raw pain and power in the intimate scenes, the emotions and the daily abuse of the characters.

I live such a privileged life. My troubles are petty and superficial compared to others in this world... And I, just like so many others, deserve a swift kick in the ass when I start to feel sorry for myself. The world is my oyster in all ways that matter: family, future, career, et al. I guess I could complain about my love life but I'm a firm believer in the theory we all have the love life we want. So whatever's lacking there is my responsibility. Sometimes I need a reminder of how fortunate I am... and this movie reminded me.

It also reminded me that this is the reality of others... when I judge the choices and lifestyles of others. I started with so many advantages, with so many safety nets and was shown only one direction to go. At first, I didn't realize others didn't have the home life I did, now I know but it's still so foreign to me, I can't imagine living with those circumstances, obstacles, and challenges in my life. I struggle with too many options and being able to do whatever I want... Others struggle with making any options for themselves. I need to remember, to give back more, and to be more thankful for my life.

Precious was a reminder - Go see it and remind yourself of what's good in your life. Of all that you should be thankful for in your life. It will remind you...

Impressive, that's what you are*

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." -Winston Churchill

I'm lacking motivation this week. I haven't picked my camera or a paintbrush or hung a picture or organized anything or finished any projects. At home or at work. I've just been going through the motions and I'm tired.

The only thing I've done this week consistently is exercise. Which for me is something.

I get like this every once in a while. I feel alone and unmotivated and lost. Thoughts go through my head, "where is my life going?" and "why does any of this matter?" or "why did I think I wanted to do this?"

These are all new feelings for me... I've always been a go-go-go person with plans and goals and something new around the corner. But here in the last year or two, my life has felt very stagnant and I feel as though I'm watching everyone else live while I waste my days. It seems to be especially hard for me around the school year ending and beginning, mainly because I think it's the time of year when a lot used to change for me and now, not so much.

When I started this post, it was to be recognition to all of you who seem to persevere and continue to strive everyday... my stream of consciousness has taken it somewhere a little darker but I do want to offer a salute. To those who keep putting one foot in front of another. Who pursue their goals, desires, and dreams. Who remain upbeat and positive in face of the everyday. Who see the beauty in the ordinary. And who don't take each day for granted.

Because those are the people who motivate and inspire me, the ones who never seem to quit. Who always work hard. And think that the impossible can be accomplished. Thank you. It's what motivates me and keeps me going when it seems impossible.

*My shout out to cheerleaders.