And Then...

"A man who dares waste one hour of time has not discovered life." - Charles Darwin

For the past couple of years, I've been searching for something... something to motivate me, something to give me purpose, something to make me feel complete. I couldn't quite put my finger on what I wanted and I couldn't quite define what I needed. I moved states and then moved back home again... I quit jobs, applied to schools and researched multiple options but nothing seemed quite right and everything seemed forced.

But this feeling, this need seemed to constantly grow and feed off of my unhappiness which only seemed to make me more unhappy and angry about everything in my life. I've tried different things - exercise programs, joining community groups, buying a house, adopting a dog, and planning trips. But nothing seemed to be right - nothing seemed to work.

For as long as I can remember, I was basically told what I should I do... My life was very planned out: do well in school, go to good college and get a good job. No one every really offered any other options... No one every really told me how to choose a good job and how to make it fit me. I don't think I'm the only one who has this problem... Most of my friends have changed jobs by now, especially sine we hit the 30 age range.

And I've allowed myself to drown in this confusion. Until recently. Until I determined I had the ability and the control to make myself happy. This seems so obvious but recognizing I have the control and taking control are two totally different things. And it seems that's what I've done. I've taken control of my thoughts, my actions and my emotions. Instead of letting them rule me, I'm deciding how to feel and what to do. Now, I seem to be back to my old self, laughing more, wanting more, dreaming more and making more happen.

Without doing a thing other than realizing I control my future. It's a great thing to know.

Although, I do have to give a little credit to the words Camryn Manheim wrote herself:

The thing is, Camryn, life isn't a dress rehearsal. We don't get any do-overs. You've got to mkae the days count - all of them.
So go kick some ass. Don't take no for an answer. Work hard, play hard, fight hard, and love hard. Break some rules and raise a little hell. And as the end of every day, ask yourself if you have any regrets. I guarantee you, you will rarely regret the things you did do, and mostly regret the things you didn't do. So do it. Do it all. Learn French.* Get a piano. Write your one-person show. Fall in love more often. Love the journey, not just the result.

*Notice the french lessons... It's definitely a reoccuring theme in my life lately.