31

"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up our enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." - Samuel Ullman

My 31st birthday was spent in the Big Apple. I arrived mid-morning by plane, took the subway to Midtown to my friend's large office building and then spent the afternoon wondering around with my camera. My first moments in a large city now that I'm a country mouse again are overwhelming... my senses are on overload, there are so many sounds, sights, and actions coming at me from so many directions I'm overwhelmed with it all.

The endless possibilities, the freedoms of expression, the crazy combinations of skin/hair/eye colors with everyone looking different and the same all at once. Contrasted with my black and white small town full of familiar faces, the anonymity of the city is both comforting and challenging to me.

It's so easy to image the possibilities of life in NYC because they play out before you on the streets where so many have walked before. Searching for purpose, living their dreams, hoping to achieve and be a part of something greater than a solitary life. It inspires and intimidates me as the contrast is too much with my everyday life and little town.

My day was nice as I had time to wander, wonder and get lost while receiving texts and messages of birthday wishes... feeling loved all day is a great. Hopefully, I'll find a way to capture and recall those feelings when needed after a terrible, rotten, no good, awful day. I started out on 2nd Avenue, wondered up 42th Street to Bryant Park, walked through the Public Library, took 5th to Central Park - pausing with tourists and churches along the way. And enjoyed the hustle bustle of the city. I took pictures of things and places rather than my desired choice of people - some of them are ok and I've played around with some editing to enhance or create the desired look. I didn't take a huge amount of images on this trip which limits my options and results - I just was so much more into being in the moment rather than preserving it. I need to work on finding a way to accomplish both.

Turning 31 isn't a major milestone so I think I'm just having some hangover emotions from 30, questions and frustrations and challenges which seem ever present. Achievements, Education, Goals, Relationships and/or the lack thereof were ever present on my mind through out my trip and return. I've told several people close in my life I feel like I've lost my enthusiasm for life - never one to mourn the past, I've always looked forward to next best thing. Yet now, I feel there is no such thing for me. I have no direction, passion or drive for something to motivate me forward, to propel me into a confident and fulfilling life, and I hate it. I'm jealous of those with drive and passion, envious of those with light steps and happy hearts, and hiding my feelings behind a very thin veil of anger.

This is a very different post than I imagined writing while taking these pictures and I know I'll regret allowing those emotions to overwhelm my first trip to Europe. But it is where I am in my life and those emotions/struggles/frustrations don't take a vacation, unfortunately. While I definitely had those moments of "I am in PARIS!" with a silly grin on my face, I spent a lot of time wondering about my future, contemplating my choices and options for the future. And I still have no answers.

A New Window

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brillantly disguised as impossible situations." - Charles R. Swindoll

My life took a crazy turn last week... And I still haven't reacted... I'm frozen like a deer in headlights, suprised by the unexpected.

Last December, a job posting on a website I visit regularly caught my attention and I applied for a position. As my frequent readers know, I wrestle with my current job and wonder if I'm choosing the "right" path or just the "easiest" path. I look for less physical containment and constant obligation than my family's business requires and I don't enjoy the management of people and their daily drama to consider (and yes, it's always daily when you have as large of a staff as we do - it's more than daily, it's more like hourly). So, anyways, this job posting caught my eye. I applied. I received a questionaire. I complete it and emailed back. I never heard another word.

Until last Wednesday. Almost six months later. To schedule a phone interview. For Friday. So I thought, why not, I should always explore opportunities and keep my options open. Two and half hours later on the phone, I had a verbal job offer. Yesterday I received the formal offer by email. And now, I'm not certain what to do...

The job is

• A different industry and I would definitely entertain a change
• "Virtual" meaning I could do my job anywhere, anytime, anyway equaling a newfound freedom for me
• Commission based meaning hard work is rewarded (and rewarded well)
• Established & Defined - someone else is making the decisions and I just have to do my job
• Reputable - a young company on it's way up with tons of growth ahead and mass appeal

I'm purposely being vague and I apologize for the lack of detail but I'm uncertain of any policies and I would hate to get in trouble before I even accept the job.

And, as before, leaving my family business is hard. It would be even harder to do so without a physical move which I'm not looking to do at this time. Taking this job would allow me that option since I know I'd like to live other places at some point in the future. What's frustrating is when I applied for this job, I was in a completely different place concerning my life, my job, and my desire level to stay with my status quo. Now, things have changed and evolved, wheels are in motion and I can see progress.

It's a "have my cake and eat it too" moment because I want to try this new option and keep my finger in the pie of my current job. Sometimes, life is just ridiculously complicated. Or in this case, a seemingly impossible situation.

Summer Break

"Deep Summer is when laziness finds respectability." - Sam Keen

Life has been busy - the other day I had to call my cell phone from my desk phone so I could find it under all the papers piled up on my desk but my lack of posting has been pure laziness. I can admit. And I'll also say that it's not likely to change while BBQs, pool parties, outdoor movies, evening concerts, and trips to the lake are taking up my evenings, weekends and thoughts.

But it's summertime... when the sun is shining, the air is heavy and laying around, doing nothing is perfectly acceptable.

So I hope to increase my posting but I'm not making any promises, to myself or anyone else. Sometimes, to write about life, you have to know it and I'm always going to choose an experience over work, any day.

My Town

"A little bit of Mayberry, a dash of 'Gone with the Wind' and a whole lot of Hazard County."

I don't know where I found that quote but I love it. It fits my little Georgia town perfectly. I'm sure it actually fits a lot of small southern towns. My little town is so great and the irony of my life is the things I love about this town are also the things I hate about it. Isn't that just dandy?

I love going places and always running into someone I know... I hate going places and always having to talk to everyone. One night, a big city friend of mine was with me at a restaurant and he watched in amazement as I literally greeted everyone in the room and introduced him to about half. Then he was shocked when our waiter greeted me by name and asked about my parents. I remember being amused at his surprise but my thoughts are more along the lines of "I grew up here and have lived here for five years of my adult life... what do you expect?"

In a town of about 15000* you're bound to run into the same people over and over again. Plus I work at my family's business so as I learned the hard way in high school, I may not recognize them but they know my daddy.

Another friend of mine grew up in Atlanta and moved out here to be closer to her parents and their farm about 7 years ago. She's like me and has lived in Athens and then moved back here a couple of times. She's met a lot of people and is very friendly and outgoing. But she still remains shocked everytime she meets someone new and then finds out that I already know them. And it's not that I know everyone well but between all the members of my family and my job, I'm bound to have run into them at least once before in my life.

Even one of my referral sources at the hospital asked me how I knew everyone... I had brought her lunch and we were sitting in the cafeteria. Multiple people stopped to speak to me and tell her to be sure to give me business, etc. It was funny because she's not the most outgoing person so by the end of the lunch, she was overwhelmed. And she asked how I knew everyone.

And my friends love to hear how my parents knew when I misbehaved in high school, usually before I had even done whatever it was that we were plotting. I'll never forget the night a friend of mine and I drove up in my driveway to find both of our dads standing there waiting on us. Fortunately we hadn't actually done anything wrong... my mom had just assumed we were up to no good. We definitely paused halfway and contemplated pulling back out into the street - our hearts were in our throats.

I guess it's just a novel idea to people who don't grow up in small towns but it's one of my favorite things about living here. In contrast, when I was NYC the other weekend, I spent the first day wondering where all those people came from and where they lived. I have gotten to the point of being slightly overwhelmed by crowds.

Of course, I get disgusted by the segregation, not being able to buy alcohol, the lack of open-mindness, the gossip, and all the other smallness of a small town. But I also get turned off by crazy traffic, honking horns, dirty streets and people pushing into me on the subway. You take the good with the bad in every situation.

I feel fortunate to know of other places, to travel and explore, knowing I have roots running deep and strong. A place which supports and comforts me as I go through life. Because this is HOME... it's a feeling I can't put into words without sounding cheesy. When I drive up 138 and the fields start getting larger and the roadside starts getting greener, I know I'm almost there. And I always sigh, knowing the trip's almost over and that I'm back where everyone knows my name (and will tell my daddy what I've been doing wrong!).

*Depends on who you talk to and where you define the boundaries.