Changing Directions

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there" - Lewis Carroll



Sometimes it's hard to know what's right. Sometimes, it's hard to know how one seemingly small decision can drive the direction your life will go in. And then other times, you can know life doesn't feel right, doesn't feel good or motivating but you can see no other options. Or you feel like you have to 'suck it up' for a while before you can make a change.

And that's where I've been for a while now... where I am in my life isn't good and isn't making me happy but I haven't know what to do about it. But I've made the decision to change my job and I've until the end of September to make something... anything... happen. And I'm open to suggestion.

I have several ideas... I can go back to school. I can go back to an earlier passion. Or I can explore some new ideas and/or passions. All would be tough and require a lot of me and be big changes. But I'm so excited to change my life. I've been happier in the last 48 hours than I have been in months just knowing I don't have to do my old job ever again. My neck and shoulders are slowly starting to loosen from the stress I normally carry there and the other aches & pains of my job are also slowly disappearing. And it's so nice to know I won't be feeling those again. It's a good feeling tonight. Very peaceful.

In my mind, I have long walks and yoga classes planned for my week ahead while knowing that's not necessarily what's going to happen. Being able to structure my days again is such a freeing feeling for me and I'm excited to leave for vacation this weekend without being exhausted. For the past couple of years, I've spent the first 24 hours or so of every vacation sleeping off the job. Hopefully, this time, I'll just be spending my time working on my tan.

So things... they are a changing... and it's a good thing. Taking control of my life feels good and moving forward, I won't lose it again.

My Thang

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."
~Maya Angelou

I had the opportunity to attend an inspiring and creative presentation about PictureHOPE project last night - I was overwhelmed with the energy and images presented by Jen & Stephanie, as well as the story told by Odetta. I can't wait to see what they do next, what comes of their travels, and the final project. It's such an awe inspiring opportunity.

I was so envious. I'm jealous of their passion, talent, knowledge and the respect given by the audience there. The buzz about the program, their impact on our little town, as well as the greater world out there. Plus whoever they touch with the personal stories they discover and share. Now, I don't mean that I want what they have. I want my own thing... "my thang" to do well.

And during their presentation, Jen revealed something about her life which probably meant more to me than anything else. Before this situation, in her 40 years of life, she had been searching for her thing. "Her childhood moment of clarity" she called it as she expected something to become obvious as meant for her. I know that feeling of expectation and desire to feel a part of something. She found herself and her people (as she proudly referred to them) in a village in Rwanda after years of looking, waiting and preparing. I know those feelings. I'm dealing with them each day. And as each image came on the screen of a world I've never seen, I felt more and more called to "do something".

Driving away from the event, full of hope, inspiration and some really good food from a true African chef, I talked with my mom about my feelings. I am content and happy with where I am and the choices I have made BUT (and it's a big but) I feel as though I'm preparing for something more. Learning some lessons (always the hard way) and defining my thoughts and opinions of the world and wanting more than a husband, 2.5 kids, a golden retriever and a volvo stationwagon. Not that I think anything is wrong with those aspirations either. And you can have those and still touch the world, or at least your local world. But I have always had the call to travel and move, not a need to run but a need to explore and see for myself. I'm never afraid of the unknown or scared of where the next road may lead.

So, now I know my task. To take my abilities, experiences, and motivation. Turn it into something that works for me. Something giving me more than monetary rewards. Something allowing me to make a mark (however small) which is undeniably mine. Something allowing me to fly on my own. And now, even with my goal still ambiguous, I am promising to take pleasure and find beauty in the process of my change.

My bad... My bad

"There's a world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure the truth." - Maya Angelou.

Often, I talk my dog, Sandy for a walk around the neighborhood at twilight. It's cooler and after we've eaten and it's a great way for me to unwind before going to bed. Rarely, do we run into anyone else. And certainly no other animals so while she has a lease clipped to her collar, I'm usually not holding it. She behaves.... for the most part.

I realize this is wrong and irresponsible.

Tonight, we were coming down the last stretch and she took off after something and got ahead of me. The street lights are not bright and I couldn't see into the shadows. But I heard dogs barking so I started to walk faster. Then I heard a man yelling and I could see Sandy approaching an older gentleman with two large white dogs (not certain of the breed) at full force. I'm not certain who growled first but at that point I started running and yelling for my dog which illicted no response. The man was able to make Sandy back down and she came to me when I was closer. He was fussing at his dogs when I got there and after I secured Sandy, I turned to apologize. My dog was off leash and I was at fault and I wanted to make sure all was okay.

He glared at me and then sniffed and then walked past me.

It was like a scene from the movies. I was sincerely apologizing and he didn't even stop to accept it. I wasn't certain what to do but I finished my apology, getting louder as he walked away and then continued on my walk, Sandy's lease tight in hand.

I don't know what this means for our future walks...
Do I need to change the way I walk Sandy? I've lived here since March and I haven't run into anyone at this time of night so there haven't been any problems.

Sandy is aggressive to other large dogs... if they are female... sometimes. They have her file marked at the vet's as an "aggressive dog" yet the workers love her. I've had her play well with others and I've had it go horribly wrong. She's a sweet and lovable dog who I trust completely with my innocent nephew but I have to be really careful around other dogs. But it's not predictable. And everything I've done as far as training her goes has had no affect upon her or her reactive behavior.

I know I shouldn't let her walk free if I can't rely upon her to obey me. I know that I'm responsible for anything my dog does to harm another person and/or their property. And I wouldn't shirk from that but I also don't want anything to happen.

I guess it's back to obediance training for us again. Oh joy.