Changing Directions

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there" - Lewis Carroll



Sometimes it's hard to know what's right. Sometimes, it's hard to know how one seemingly small decision can drive the direction your life will go in. And then other times, you can know life doesn't feel right, doesn't feel good or motivating but you can see no other options. Or you feel like you have to 'suck it up' for a while before you can make a change.

And that's where I've been for a while now... where I am in my life isn't good and isn't making me happy but I haven't know what to do about it. But I've made the decision to change my job and I've until the end of September to make something... anything... happen. And I'm open to suggestion.

I have several ideas... I can go back to school. I can go back to an earlier passion. Or I can explore some new ideas and/or passions. All would be tough and require a lot of me and be big changes. But I'm so excited to change my life. I've been happier in the last 48 hours than I have been in months just knowing I don't have to do my old job ever again. My neck and shoulders are slowly starting to loosen from the stress I normally carry there and the other aches & pains of my job are also slowly disappearing. And it's so nice to know I won't be feeling those again. It's a good feeling tonight. Very peaceful.

In my mind, I have long walks and yoga classes planned for my week ahead while knowing that's not necessarily what's going to happen. Being able to structure my days again is such a freeing feeling for me and I'm excited to leave for vacation this weekend without being exhausted. For the past couple of years, I've spent the first 24 hours or so of every vacation sleeping off the job. Hopefully, this time, I'll just be spending my time working on my tan.

So things... they are a changing... and it's a good thing. Taking control of my life feels good and moving forward, I won't lose it again.

Slacking

"I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy" - Bern Williams



I wish it is because I am a slacker that I'm not getting anything done in my life, but mainly it's because I've allowed my job to consume and overwhelm all other areas. Leaving no time for me, my hobbies, or laundry. And yes, I'm whining again. Soon, I will have a new theme.



So today, while I'm at work, I'm doing my stuff. Hiding in my office, not adhearing to dress code (due to the laundry) and doing my stuff at work instead of work during my time. So far, I like it. I may need to do this more often... Acutally, I'm trading off - a little work then a lot of me. It's a nice balance.



I was reminded of a goal this past weekend... Hiking the Appalachian Trail. From Georgia to Maine. 2175 miles of putting one foot in front of the other to accomplish your goal. To reach the end result. The metaphor is SCREAMING at me. Anyone else hear it? I remember standing in a sporting goods store my senior year of college in Nashville, talking with a sale associate about the trail and how I wanted to hike it. He said, 'why not go now?' and I had so many reasons why not... and 10 years later, I can't find validity in any of them. Especially since I don't feel as though I've accomplished anything "fabulous"...

So I spent the rest of the day making goals and steps to make these things happen for me. I'm feeling a little caught in my present situation but optimistic I can make my life into what I want it to be.

My Thing...

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one" - Oscar Wilde


Ole Oscar and my boss (aka my father) have a similar approach to job/life/work balance. Without a job and work, there is no balance and everything else I have going on in my life is extra. Which it often has to be since I rarely have time for anything else. Sometimes it's irritating and sometimes I find it to be a great excuse (ahem, such as when I think I need to go to the gym...)!

I've always admired my parents for their work hard, play harder, get up and do it all again mentality. They do more than anyone else I know and they don't stop. I wear out way before they do and I'm embarrassed to admit I can't accomplish the same amount my 30 years my senior parents are able to do without blinking. I remembering detailing our schedules to someone about a year ago and her question of "do your parents every stop?" making me pause to chuckle...

Recently, we've had some changes in the business and we're adapting, growing, plotting and planning as we best know how and it seems to be working. It has put me and my father working literally side by side for a majority of the time. Which he and I love because we don't have to complete sentences sometimes when talking to each other, we think so much alike but I'm sure for some of our employees, there's a little too much "Hickman" going on in that area. But I'm really enjoying it and the other night at dinner, he said he was too. And with the change of our structure, I have a much more tangible job with a clearer set of goals. One that's inspiring me to get up for work each day and pushing me to stay later (even later than before) to make sure the job is done. All of these are good things.

And yet, I'm still looking for "My Thang" - Something to motivate and inspire me. Something bringing out the best of my talents and passions for me to accomplish something. Something which makes work feel easier and less stressful for me.

A friend runs her own business - it's just her and she's making it happen for herself and while she's growing/expanding/generally kicking ass, she's not wanting to grow it beyond a certain point. Not wanting employees and payrolls and managment skills. Oh, how I wish for her choices.

For if I stay my current course and follow the path before me, I will have all of those headaches and more... And while my experience and my personality actually lend to being somewhat good at some of those functions, there's quite a few where I am limited. And I find it so hard to know what to do, how to choose, what to emphasize and how to rejuvenate myself when I do have "me" time.*

And while a part of me questions, observes and wants for something more meaningful - another part of me keeps trucking along to ensure I reach the current pot at the end of the rainbow. If nothing else, I've figured out the only way for me to be happy is to learn every day, find challenge in my work, and constantly strive for improvement in service or quality of production. Stagnant or repetitive production is not for me. I also know that part of life will always be questioning where I am, where I want to be, how I can get there, and then what will be the next step. Obviously, it's what I'm pondering now.

*Other than the obvious choice of a large glass of wine while taking a bubble bath, of course.

St. Valentine

"Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." - Henri Frederic Amiel

No matter how many hints I drop in the universe about loving fresh flowers, tulips have yet to arrive at my house. So this past Saturday, at the grocery store, I bought an unopened bouquet of pink tulips and have enjoyed them all week in my dressing area. I shall take a picture and post it so you can enjoy their beauty as well.

Life has been a rollercoaster so far this month. Last night, I caught up with a friend who I hadn't seen since before Christmas and my response to her inquiry about life, "Is it still February? Then life still sucks..." So far, not a good month. My emotions seem to have leveled out over the past two days but it doesn't mean they won't spin out again if I don't make some changes. As they happen, I'll share what's working and what's needed.

One already made is an adjustment in my work schedule to attend a yoga class on Wednesday and Saturday mornings - it feels good and it starts my day well. Coming up, gym visits for treadmill and weight workouts - Hope to make this happen with the start of next week. Keep your fingers crossed for me to wake up with my alarm because it has been a struggle.

I'm looking at school - again - for different reasons and ideas. I'm not certain what to do or which direction to go in for my career. When I think my situation now could be the rest of my life, I have a panic attack. Not good. When listing what I want in my position and/or career, I look for travel, freedom and passion. There are several options to combine all of these in a less convential career path. I'm researching and internally debating these options currently.

Presently, I own a house. With a yard. This is new territory for me. I don't know how to do yard work and it shows. So my goal this spring and summer is to learn about plants, gardens, and how to beautify my yard without spending a fortune. I've heard this will help with my fitness goals so I'm excited about that side effect. Otherwise, it just makes me feel silly to not know how to handle my yard. Plus, I know my neighbors are hating me. I do nothing to help in the visual appeal of the street. So that will give me something else to laugh about.

My first project was planting herbs for my window sill from a kit... it went ok. We'll see if they bloom. I ended up with way more soil than needed (I think that's expected) so I'm going to buy something else to pot and use the excess. Plus I've been looking for two planters to go outside my front door and I found beautiful royal blue ones - they're on the to get list for this weekend. Patience and Baby steps as I'm still working on trimming my budget. Once purchased, I will showcase here since I've been slacking on pictures lately.

As mentioned above, still working on the budget, and I'm learning to budget and developing patience for items I want/need. My free time is rare and after I do laundry, sleep, bathe, take care of the dog and the house... then I'm able to shop. So it's frustrating to see what I need/want and not purchase it in that moment because it's pricetag is larger than the amount in my pocket. Especially when I 'technically' have the money in the bank just not in that week's spending amount. I've gone back to giving myself a cash allowance for the week so if I have $20 dollars and I want pots which total at $50, then I have to save the cash for the purchase. So far, I'm doing ok. But these pots are driving me nuts since I don't want them to sell out before I get mine. After such a long search, I want them... have to have them... can't wait to get them. So telling myself to save for them out of my weekly budget pisses me off - even if it's me restricting myself - my bank account thanks me.

Which leads me to a status update on travel savings: over $500, more than 1/6 of my way to my first goal of $3000. And I should receive my tax return (hopefully) this week which will help in all areas of saving and debt reduction. Nice.

Question - If I decide to sell my house before I leave to travel, then paying additional money each month would also be a form of savings since it will help lower the amount owed at the time of closing. Correct? I wouldn't normally think of my house as a savings account but putting additional money towards the principal would help reduce the amount of interest owed overall, decrease the repayment time and allow for additional profit if I sell my home. Not certain I want to sell but if I do, then it would provide me with more cash than I can save plus less headaches while on the road. What would you do? Put the money towards the house or keep with the rest of the travel savings? I'm not talking a huge amount - $100 a month or so. Thoughts? Ideas? Experiences? Please share.

Lifestyle Changes

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.” -John Bingham

I've been slightly MIA because life has, once again, taken over. I'm having long days at work, then followed by play rehearsal 3 nights a week and trying to be somewhat social during this gloomy month. I love the south, it's home and it's beautiful but it always needs some help during the months of January & February. It's gloomy, it's damp, and this year it's cold. I love the cold but I like it to be accompanied by scenic snowfalls and sunny afternoons. We're just cold enough to be uncomfortable but without powdery playgrounds. We've had more threats of snow this year than any previous year I can remember but no dice.

As time moves on, February will bring more sunshine and the days are already getting longer but January is always such a hard month to find emotional motivation and strength. Hence, why I never start any New Year resolutions until after I manage to make it through this month. So today is the last day of the month and I have changes in my life to make. Starting with a healthier lifestyle - anyting, and I mean anything, bad for me must go. People included. Negative influences and "friends" who make me feel bad about myself will no longer be allowed to influence me. I will look for the beauty within myself and others for inspiration, motivation and satisfaction.

I will continued to work towards my goal of extended, international travel to experience more of the world and other cultures. To obtain this goal, I must continue to live frugally, fulfill my previous obligations, save diligently and complete the work upon my house. All of these are obtainable goals and I am slowly making progress. Recently, I watched Seabiscuit and during his recovery and that of his horse, Red the jockey, repeats the saying, "brick by brick, my son, brick by brick" about the building of Rome. His voice rings through my head as I save, "penny by penny". It will happen, in good time.

Part of my changes need to be physical... I need to eat better, sleep better, and exercise more. I do better when I'm on a schedule yet I rebel from setting up one. It's hard for me to start but tomorrow morning, I'll wake to go to the gym and commit to a hour workout even if it kills me. I have done enough damage to my physical self and I'm not wasting more money on the same clothing in a larger size. Twice a week, I'm going to attend a yoga class which I know I will enjoy. In addition to that, I'm going to start swimming - I swam in high schoool and I've always enjoyed it as exercise plus I'm acutally good at it which makes it easier. I've got a pool membership (have since last summer) so I'll add that to my workout schedule when I can - have to work out the details on that one still.

It feels good to write it down... It's the beginning of change and I need someting to change (as I've mentioned here before) so now I'm making it happen. And, brick by brick, all of it will change.

Plotting My Escape

Maybe you don't like your job, maybe you didn't get enough sleep, well nobody likes their job, nobody got enough sleep. Maybe you just had the worst day of your life, but you know, there's no escape, there's no excuse, so just suck up and be nice. - Ani DiFranco


I've been thinking, almost constantly, about changing my life. Again. Trying something different to find my place in the world. And I need the change. I do. Because I'm not nice anymore. And I don't care if I am either. Which is a whole different level of scratchiness in my life. And I agree with Ani, I believe I should be nice to others and I try but when a constant simmer is under the surface, I'm less able to remain patient, kind and understanding. I don't like who I become or how I behave. I remember it from being in Chicago, it took me about 3 months of living there before I didn't react to everything with anger.


I'm in Gulfport, Mississippi* to babysit my nephew for a couple of days while my sister and brother in law play in the state USTA tennis league championships in Jackson. (Yes, I realize how that sounds but it's fun for me to spend time with William and they always need a couple days off.) As I drove down here, I realized I had everything in my car I needed to start my journey... car, computer, camera, clothes and my dog. Too bad I left behind a lot of obligations. This time, when I leave, I have a lot more to do than just quit my job and pack up my stuff.

So I'll go back instead of heading another direction like I was dreaming to do, sell my stuff, make arrangements, save some money, and plan my escape. Even though I call it my 'escape' - I'm not running from anything. I'm looking for a way to live my life which makes me happy and allows me to cross some places off my list. It may not be everyone's way of living or everyone's idea of a life but it appeals to me and I think it will give me a greater level of satisfaction than my current work hard, please everyone but myself situation.

We'll see. One step at a time.


*I always spell out Mississippi, mainly cause I like to sing, "crooked letter, crooked letter, i, humpback, humpback, i" outloud to myself.

Not Me

"Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts." - Penelope Sweet

I took my laptop home this past weekend and had plans upon lists of things to accomplish. And I couldn't make it happen. I got the bare minimum done. I was in one of my funks last week - it grew and grew until I couldn't stand myself. One of my poor friends had to put up with my on Saturday night and she's been where I am now, so she got it. Even so, it still makes me want to stand up and scream, this isn't me. Not the me I know or who I want to be.

So it's time for change. I've been analyzing for a looooooooooong time now. Time for action. This post about traveling was a good start. Now, I have to really buckle done, create and define specific goals. Work hard and make it happen. Otherwise, in a year, I'll still be sitting here. Whining to the internets only because I won't have any friends left.

edited:
Just saw this on a friend's facebook post, hitting so close to home today
"When I was going through a similar situation, someone told me, "everything will be different in a year". He didn't say everything would be fixed in a year, but I felt very assured by that fact that in a year I wouldn't be going through what I was going through that day. So I leave you with that same advice. Next year will be different, probably better." He was right.

My Thang

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."
~Maya Angelou

I had the opportunity to attend an inspiring and creative presentation about PictureHOPE project last night - I was overwhelmed with the energy and images presented by Jen & Stephanie, as well as the story told by Odetta. I can't wait to see what they do next, what comes of their travels, and the final project. It's such an awe inspiring opportunity.

I was so envious. I'm jealous of their passion, talent, knowledge and the respect given by the audience there. The buzz about the program, their impact on our little town, as well as the greater world out there. Plus whoever they touch with the personal stories they discover and share. Now, I don't mean that I want what they have. I want my own thing... "my thang" to do well.

And during their presentation, Jen revealed something about her life which probably meant more to me than anything else. Before this situation, in her 40 years of life, she had been searching for her thing. "Her childhood moment of clarity" she called it as she expected something to become obvious as meant for her. I know that feeling of expectation and desire to feel a part of something. She found herself and her people (as she proudly referred to them) in a village in Rwanda after years of looking, waiting and preparing. I know those feelings. I'm dealing with them each day. And as each image came on the screen of a world I've never seen, I felt more and more called to "do something".

Driving away from the event, full of hope, inspiration and some really good food from a true African chef, I talked with my mom about my feelings. I am content and happy with where I am and the choices I have made BUT (and it's a big but) I feel as though I'm preparing for something more. Learning some lessons (always the hard way) and defining my thoughts and opinions of the world and wanting more than a husband, 2.5 kids, a golden retriever and a volvo stationwagon. Not that I think anything is wrong with those aspirations either. And you can have those and still touch the world, or at least your local world. But I have always had the call to travel and move, not a need to run but a need to explore and see for myself. I'm never afraid of the unknown or scared of where the next road may lead.

So, now I know my task. To take my abilities, experiences, and motivation. Turn it into something that works for me. Something giving me more than monetary rewards. Something allowing me to make a mark (however small) which is undeniably mine. Something allowing me to fly on my own. And now, even with my goal still ambiguous, I am promising to take pleasure and find beauty in the process of my change.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

I know, I know.

It's been too long... life's been too crazy: work, food poisoning, classes, friends, traveling, soccer games, breakups and new goals. All has happened in the past 28 days which has eaten up my personal computer time. But I'm working on my schedule, taking control, gaining some perspective, getting my positive attitude back, and focusing on a healthier lifestyle. So bare with me.

Plus I have pictures. Of babies, friends, William, rivers, oceans, skies, etc. I promise to post some of them soon. But here's a tease:









Oh! And for those concerned, I didn't have food poisoning but my bosses AKA my parents did so I was doing some triple duty there for about a week. They had some bad oysters while at the coast and all has not been well since. They are slowly getting better but I was treading water there for a while just making sure major things were falling through the cracks. I know my parents do alot on a daily basis but I forget just how much until I have to cover or explain to that many people what's going on.

So life it busy but fun. I definitely had a funk last week but I'm over the hump and I'm gaining some perspective. Here are some reasons why I am happy:

1. I'm Healthy - I have several friends who are ill and/or have very ill family members.

2. I'm Employed - In the worst recession/depression of my lifetime, I have a job I love.

3. I'm Independent - Sometimes I'm lonely but I'm always free to make choices for myself. I don't have any obligations other than to make myself happy & fulfilled.

4. I'm Excited - Life interests me and I'm still learning about myself in a completely different way than I was 10 years ago in college.

5. I'm Challenged - I have a business which can go as far as I want to take it, anything I want to accomplish, I can. All I have to do is work for it.

6. I'm Engaged - Not with a finance but engaged in life. I've gained some new hobbies and I'm learning new skills.

7. I'm Maturing - Owning responsbility, making hard choices, doing what's 'right' is getting easier and easier... and it feels good. Weird but good.

Inspiration

"To find what you seek in the road of life, the best proverb of all is that which says: "Leave no stone unturned"." - Edward Bulwer Lytton

For the past couple of years, I've been looking for something. If you asked me what, at different times I'd give you different answers. Purpose. Meaning. Challenge. Motivation. Interest. Excitement.

And I've been looking for something to come along and motivate me. As a teenager, I was always motivated by the possibilities. As an adult, I've come to have more realistic expectations of life and I've lost some of my motivation. Which sucks. And I don't feel good about it.

Fortunately, I have people in my life who care about me and who are willing to listen to me whine (as I call it) and discuss what I can do for myself. Over dinner the other night, my dad said to me and it home, "Don't wait for happiness, don't expect for your life to get better than it is now and if you aren't happy with now, change it. You aren't promised tomorrow and you should enjoy today".

My dad's not one for advice or great speeches so his words hit home. And I'm striving to make it work for me, happiness today. Everyday. In the ordinary and the unique. So I'm making that choice. To challenge myself and look inside for purpose, meaning and fulfillment.

Ina Mar Art Credit

Remodeling

Since I'm frustrated with my progress on the house (yes, it's still going s...l....o...w...), I decided to move some stuff around on my blog.

I changed out my quotes, changed the order of my sidebar, and added the Follower feature (and I'll just keep my fingers crossed that I'll actually gain some followers... if not, that one won't last very long in the public's eye).

On to more fun topics...

I promised a tomato pie experience a while back and I finally made one over the weekend with my mom (who is a great cook). A neighbor gave us some homegrown tomatoes (does anyone else get nervous about publicly spelling tomato/tomatoes since Dan Quayle's spelling bee? Or is it just me? I know his was potato but still).

And then we sliced them to put them in the pie. How Gorgeous are they? The oven was set at 350 degrees F. We use a pastry shell (bought in the freezer section) and it was spread out on the pan. Then a layer of tomatoes, topped with mozzarella and monterey jack cheeses, and topped with fresh basil.

Next we use Vidalia Onions, layered on top of the tomatoes, sliced and then covered again with cheese and tomatoes. Salt and pepper to taste and cover again with cheese. Combine some more of the cheese with mayonnaise and top the layers of vegetables and bake for 30 minutes or until lightly brown. We also top it with grated Parmesan cheese before putting it in the oven.

It was yummy. Perfect dinner. Although I think it works better in a pie pan making it thicker. My mom wanted it this way to avoid it being too juicy... too juicy? Not a problem in my eyes. So when I make it on my own, it'll be in a pie pan.