Changing Directions

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there" - Lewis Carroll



Sometimes it's hard to know what's right. Sometimes, it's hard to know how one seemingly small decision can drive the direction your life will go in. And then other times, you can know life doesn't feel right, doesn't feel good or motivating but you can see no other options. Or you feel like you have to 'suck it up' for a while before you can make a change.

And that's where I've been for a while now... where I am in my life isn't good and isn't making me happy but I haven't know what to do about it. But I've made the decision to change my job and I've until the end of September to make something... anything... happen. And I'm open to suggestion.

I have several ideas... I can go back to school. I can go back to an earlier passion. Or I can explore some new ideas and/or passions. All would be tough and require a lot of me and be big changes. But I'm so excited to change my life. I've been happier in the last 48 hours than I have been in months just knowing I don't have to do my old job ever again. My neck and shoulders are slowly starting to loosen from the stress I normally carry there and the other aches & pains of my job are also slowly disappearing. And it's so nice to know I won't be feeling those again. It's a good feeling tonight. Very peaceful.

In my mind, I have long walks and yoga classes planned for my week ahead while knowing that's not necessarily what's going to happen. Being able to structure my days again is such a freeing feeling for me and I'm excited to leave for vacation this weekend without being exhausted. For the past couple of years, I've spent the first 24 hours or so of every vacation sleeping off the job. Hopefully, this time, I'll just be spending my time working on my tan.

So things... they are a changing... and it's a good thing. Taking control of my life feels good and moving forward, I won't lose it again.

My Mouth

"Those who know do not talk; those who talk do not know" - Turkish Proverb

If there was one thing I could change about my self, it would be my gift of gab. I would learn to think before I speak... I would realize people aren't always interested in what I think/know/have to say... I would censor myself... I would become an introvert.

Oh, how I wish.

I need to be quiet... and yet, it's a vital part of my personality and a part of my process to purge the thoughts from my head. Clears it out, helps me analyze and realize my true feelings. In so many ways, this is a good thing for me.

But, sometimes, like now, it's not always a good thing for the people who come in contact with me or deal with me on a daily basis - Sometimes my "healthy" venting is hurtful to others. In other words, I talk "BIG".

I'm not a mean person and I wouldn't purposefully hurt someone else's feelings. Yet, I seem to do it all the time. And I regret it every time. Yet, it never seems to stop me from opening my mouth. I never seem to learn my lesson and think about what I'm doing or saying before I speak.

Like now. I'm working with an older lady for an event and she constantly calls me at work, to discuss a non-work related project. And I have to politely tell her I can't talk and to let me call her back and that I can't discuss it over store lines, etc. It's rather awkward for me. And to boot, she's a customer. A good customer. So I can't offend her but I also can't spend work time working on this nor can I tie up a store line for something not related to business. So I vent about it to a mutual acquaintance and I'm 99% positive it gets back to her. And to her husband. Friends, customers, people who I respect and wouldn't want to hurt... ugh. It hurts to write this. It hurts to think my words hurt someone else. And I'm in a bad spot - if I apologize, then I admit to saying it and could possibly make it worse.

So maybe this will be the time, maybe I'll finally learn to keep my mouth shut - my opinions, thoughts and frustrations to myself. Or at least to myself until I talk to the boy (he won't repeat it to anyone else). Well, here's hoping anyways.

SWOOSH!!!

"Time is free, but it is priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back." - Harvey MacKay

And I feel like I have so little of it... the days and weeks are flying by. Already August is almost halfway over and I feel like it's just barely started.

I like being busy... I am a joiner and I like being involved and having something beyond my daily job... however, right now, it's a little out of control. And I feeling fatigued. Which for someone who struggles with sleeping, that's a double wammy. I lay awake at night, thinking about all I have to get done, instead of sleeping to restore my body so I'm able to do those things the next morning.

So, life keeps moving on and it's taking me with it, kicking and screaming.

Over the last few weeks, I've worked alot and played alot, thought alot and planned alot, then dreamed even more. As I'm able to make some of those plans and dreams more concrete and bring them to life, I'll share more of them.

But here's what I have to look forward to in the near future (in chronological order):

1. 2 year old's birthday party in Knoxville, TN
2. Week long trip to St. George Island, Florida with some of my hometown favorites
3. Nephew's 3 year old birthday party in Gulfport, Mississippi (I love spelling that out)
4. Weekend at a cabin in the Mountains with The Boy
5. Family week at the Riverhouse
6. Tickets to Vandy vs. UGA
7. Producing my first play with our local theater

And I'm sure there's more. Excited for it all, challenged by my work, and expecting the best. My life keeps moving, pulling me along and I'm determined to enjoy it all.

And Then...

"A man who dares waste one hour of time has not discovered life." - Charles Darwin

For the past couple of years, I've been searching for something... something to motivate me, something to give me purpose, something to make me feel complete. I couldn't quite put my finger on what I wanted and I couldn't quite define what I needed. I moved states and then moved back home again... I quit jobs, applied to schools and researched multiple options but nothing seemed quite right and everything seemed forced.

But this feeling, this need seemed to constantly grow and feed off of my unhappiness which only seemed to make me more unhappy and angry about everything in my life. I've tried different things - exercise programs, joining community groups, buying a house, adopting a dog, and planning trips. But nothing seemed to be right - nothing seemed to work.

For as long as I can remember, I was basically told what I should I do... My life was very planned out: do well in school, go to good college and get a good job. No one every really offered any other options... No one every really told me how to choose a good job and how to make it fit me. I don't think I'm the only one who has this problem... Most of my friends have changed jobs by now, especially sine we hit the 30 age range.

And I've allowed myself to drown in this confusion. Until recently. Until I determined I had the ability and the control to make myself happy. This seems so obvious but recognizing I have the control and taking control are two totally different things. And it seems that's what I've done. I've taken control of my thoughts, my actions and my emotions. Instead of letting them rule me, I'm deciding how to feel and what to do. Now, I seem to be back to my old self, laughing more, wanting more, dreaming more and making more happen.

Without doing a thing other than realizing I control my future. It's a great thing to know.

Although, I do have to give a little credit to the words Camryn Manheim wrote herself:

The thing is, Camryn, life isn't a dress rehearsal. We don't get any do-overs. You've got to mkae the days count - all of them.
So go kick some ass. Don't take no for an answer. Work hard, play hard, fight hard, and love hard. Break some rules and raise a little hell. And as the end of every day, ask yourself if you have any regrets. I guarantee you, you will rarely regret the things you did do, and mostly regret the things you didn't do. So do it. Do it all. Learn French.* Get a piano. Write your one-person show. Fall in love more often. Love the journey, not just the result.

*Notice the french lessons... It's definitely a reoccuring theme in my life lately.

Slacking

"I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy" - Bern Williams



I wish it is because I am a slacker that I'm not getting anything done in my life, but mainly it's because I've allowed my job to consume and overwhelm all other areas. Leaving no time for me, my hobbies, or laundry. And yes, I'm whining again. Soon, I will have a new theme.



So today, while I'm at work, I'm doing my stuff. Hiding in my office, not adhearing to dress code (due to the laundry) and doing my stuff at work instead of work during my time. So far, I like it. I may need to do this more often... Acutally, I'm trading off - a little work then a lot of me. It's a nice balance.



I was reminded of a goal this past weekend... Hiking the Appalachian Trail. From Georgia to Maine. 2175 miles of putting one foot in front of the other to accomplish your goal. To reach the end result. The metaphor is SCREAMING at me. Anyone else hear it? I remember standing in a sporting goods store my senior year of college in Nashville, talking with a sale associate about the trail and how I wanted to hike it. He said, 'why not go now?' and I had so many reasons why not... and 10 years later, I can't find validity in any of them. Especially since I don't feel as though I've accomplished anything "fabulous"...

So I spent the rest of the day making goals and steps to make these things happen for me. I'm feeling a little caught in my present situation but optimistic I can make my life into what I want it to be.

Sad but True

"How soon 'not now' becomes 'never' " - Martin Luther

How sad is it that my motivating factor to come back to write on my blog tonight was to just have another post before the month of June was over. I dislike this forum feeling like an obligation and I try to avoid writing when I feel like I 'have' to write. It's supposed to be a place for me to express my thoughts, organize and analyze them, so I know how I feel and the direction I want to pursue.

It's like other things in my life, the hardest part is the getting started. And then the hardest part becomes finishing... ba-da-bum-bum. And she's funny now.

The month of June has overwhelmed and exhausted me. It started with a rough Memorial Day weekend with new processes at work that we're still trying to iron out, then a whirl-wind girls weekend in quaint Alexandria, VA for an upcoming wedding. Fun and too quick as they always are lead to another long hour week at work and now we're covering for summer vacations... We run a tight schedule and there is little wiggle room so when someone is gone, we're pushing hard to cover everyone's responsibilities and promises to our customers. Plus, we're growing. And growing quickly. A great problem to have. But long and painful when you're in the trenches.

Hence, the lack of posts. Or time for posts. Added in the boy drama already mentioned in my last post, a weeklong nighttime high school drama production at the local theater, and the amount of dog hair I must sleep up in one day... June has FLOWN by! Being busy is good for me, it forces me to act instead of living inside of my head all the time. So here's to living July in action!

I am having to learn patience... I have a long term goal - a big picture, if you will - and I know what I want and how to make it happen. I can see it happening but forcing myself to remain patient and work day after day after day at the same tasks for very little visible progress on a daily basis. Patience is a virture I don't have... And I need to develop. My current career position might finally make it happen for me. And teach me how to manage or handle the ups & downs of our business in a much more reasonable way. Well, here's hoping anyways.

What's Enough?

"If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go." Anonymous

I've had a weekend of thoughts... pondering different possible directions for my life to take. I'm constantly taking stock of my life. Where I am, where I want to be, what my progress is, and how to make my dreams happen - it's a little exhausting. And I know it wears out my friends and family because I tend to think out loud. Alot. It's just who I am.

And when it comes to the boy, I'm the talker in the relationship when it comes to relationship conversations. He's "chatty cathy" until it's a conversation about us when he becomes more tight-lipped than a clam. It's frustrating to say the least. We've had a good spring... we've seen each other consistently and he's been such an anchor for me in terms of emotional support while I ponder the other areas of my life. If you had asked me about him a week ago, I would have said I was incrediably happy with that area of my life.

So when I broached a conversation with him, that's how I started it... "I'm incrediably happy with you, us, our relationship - how do you feel? What do you want?" I ask this because, after two years of being in each other's lives, we have no definitions and no plans. While I don't need or want any movement toward permanacy, I sure would like to know we both want things to continue the way they've been going lately. I find it unbelievably frustrating that's he's not able or not willing to share his feelings or his desire for his/our future... Dreaming is what keeps me going. Goals and desires for the future is how I make things happen. We're such opposite people in this sense - he doesn't do it. Or at least not outloud because I know he makes goals. He shares them after he's achieved them.

I shouldn't have found it suprising that he couldn't or wouldn't engage in a conversation about his feelings. Once again, I open up and he shuts down. During the conversation, he did vocalize "At this point in my life, actions speak louder than words to me" and "I'm not going to say anything now because it would feel forced". And then he shuts down and physically/emotionally pulls away from me.

Which leaves me pondering, why isn't the way he makes me feel enough?

Why do I need the words?

He makes me feel loved, safe and secure, and very happy... I told him those things. And that's when he said, "actions speak louder than words to me". I trust him and I rely heavily on him for so much and he's always on my side while still calling me on my BS. I appreciate his honesty, his perspective, and his desire for me to be happy.

So why do I feel like I'm comprising what I need (and want) everytime I let him out of the conversation?